


The Beat of My Heart... or Lack of it

by Last_Dragomir



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Badass Laura Hollis, Broody Carmilla, Domestic Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein, Endgame Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein, F/F, Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein Smut, POV Carmilla, Tiny Gay Laura Hollis, Vampire Carmilla
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-26 06:45:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18177236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Last_Dragomir/pseuds/Last_Dragomir
Summary: As Carmilla tries to get used to her humanity she finds herself paying the steepest price she could ever imagine. Lost in the world of memories and shadows can Carmilla find a way to will herself to live after Laura? As always the universe throws the broody woman a ride that might be too much.**Based on the Carmilla web series after season 3 in an AU that doesn't include The Movie.**





	1. Chapter 01: Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle up Creampuffs this is going to be a bumpy ride! 
> 
> Remember to leave some kudos/comments if you like so I know I should continue. :)
> 
> Cheers eh!

**Hello, there new readers,**

 

**This is my first Carmilla fic so comments and kudos will be greatly appreciated as encouragement if you enjoy this. Here I bring a Carmilla fic centring on how Carmilla would be after her humanity is gifted to her post season 3. This is somewhat AU and the events of The Movie haven't happened here. I hope everyone enjoys the angst, drama and excitement this fic will have. Italics are for flashback events and formatting has been adapted for easy reading. Hopefully, you guys will enjoy this as much as the Lost girl community enjoys my other stuff. You can also follow me on twitter and tumblr for updates, music for the fic and just keeping up @last_dragomir and @last-dragomir16**

 

**Cheers eh!**

  
  


**_DISCLAIMER: THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO THE AUTHOR OF THE SERIES AND NOVEL. ONLY ORIGINAL CHARACTERS AND SITUATIONS OF PLOT ARE MINE._ **

**********************************************************************************************************

 

**The Beat of My Heart... Or Lack of It**

  
  


**Chapter 01:**

 

It was perhaps the toughest time in the world for things to happen the way they did, and boy, did I have the grounds to say that. It was not an easy time for me for sure, but that had been the norm for a number of years already so I had become comfortable with the misery and disdain I had for myself and the way I lived my life so far. However, I remembered that first in-person meeting like it was yesterday. Years could pass me by with no regard but I will forever remember how it went when I was finally in front of Laura Hollis.

 

**Flashback**

 

_ When I had walked into that dorm room I understood the meaning of "my breath caught in my throat". It had been a feeling I had not felt in so long that for a second I wondered if I had indeed imagined it, like a ghost limb when lost. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I had seen the mousy larger than life girl around campus. In fact, it had been my job to find her, study her, and find an opportune moment to intercept her. I needed to make an impression on her, this was my job, however, there was an aching in my long cold heart to be sincere in the way I treated this girl from the moment I walked into the now cramped space of her room. _

 

_ "Hey." I had offered but my voice came out rough and bitten with spite as always. I needed to work on my boredom with existence. _

 

_ Her whiskey coloured eyes looked over me sending a shiver down my spine and the outrage that ran through her face was so pure and sincere that I couldn't help but smirk. She was going to put up a fight and the predatory animal inside of me roared with approval. _

 

_ "Excuse me, but who the hell are you?" the young girl asked standing up. _

 

_ "Carmilla. I'm your new roommate, sweetheart." I tried again. Attaching a nickname would make my tone less harsh I hoped. _

 

_ "My what?" she asked once more perplexed. _

 

_ "Your new roommate." I declared looking around to distract myself from her presence. _

 

_ "I already have a roommate." She declared and I smirked at her fire. _

 

_ "Don't you catch on fast?" I teased as I opened a drink to chug down. Made the drink less horrible than sipping it. _

 

_ "No, I…" _

 

_ She flustered and huffed as she rambled about her last roommate Betty. When my lack of apathy and biting tone got to her head she huffed even more. My challenge to produce this Betty person and the lack of regard for personal privacy with Betty's things made her downright rage as she stood up to stop me. As if she could. _

 

_ I offered her a solution I knew was impossible and she took it as a challenge. I had to bite back my smile as I saw her frustration pour over but it also fed into her determination. Her outrage was now external as she raved about me not being her roommate and not allowing this to happen. It was always the same when prey didn't know they were prey, however, this one, in particular, had something that drew me like a moth to a flame. The small college student walked briskly the length of the division between our beds. It wasn't much of a space and I could still smell her overwhelming scent around the room, I could hear her pulse throbbing fast with adrenaline even from the length of space between us. I had to stop myself from salivating like an animal. It embarrassed me and I angered at the monster I was. So in penance, I let her rage and make a quip about my leather pants as I made myself comfortable on the bed and my newly minted roommate made her way to the desk with the ever-present camera and laptop setup for her vlog or whatever they called these kinds of things these days. She could change everything; if she survived. _

 

_ **End Flashback** _

 

I closed my eyes to steady my hands at the longing of the memory. I needed pretty steady hands for my task but it was useless when thinking of Laura. I sighed and moved away from the polishing wheel and took my heavy duty work gloves off in frustration removing the security earmuffs next. It was then that the sound of my workshop surrounding me completely jarred me out of my reverie. It hadn't been lost on me what day it was, but I was expecting every year to get less hard than the previous one to no avail. I hung my head in my hands letting out a big sigh. I knew work wasn't going to go well today and I couldn't work without concentration, it was my first rule after all. I scoffed at the irony, Carmilla Karnstein following rules… I guessed that when you loved someone the way I loved Laura things tended to stick.

 

I left my workshop in a daze, but I made sure I locked the door behind me. As I passed the door of the business I shared space with the redhead looked at me enthusiastically and my heart panged with pain. I had to take care of them, it was the least I could do. She excitedly beckoned me inside too and with a huge sigh, I decided to go see what she wanted. It wasn't like I was in a hurry.

 

"Hey, Carmilla!" I heard happily as I crossed the threshold of 'The Apothecary and Scientific Solutions.'

 

"Hey there Perry, how are you today?" I asked pleasantly as my eyes almost watered at the strain of my feelings. It had to be the date.

 

"I'm swell, LaF is in the back trying some new thing. Some mumbles of brilliance were followed by maniacal laughter so I'm certain it's going to blow up." Perry ranted as I laughed wholeheartedly.

 

I loved the ginger woman's nervous energy. The years had been kind to LaF and Perry and even in their 30's their skin was still taut around their features, their smiles big, their bickering ever sharp as the only thing changed really was the laugh lines and how they had deepened. There was a heavy dark pushed to the back sadness to their eyes but after everything, it was expected of us to be destroyed.

 

"I don't think I've heard LaF be maniacal for a long time." I commented in my usual monotone. "Perhaps something interesting will come from this.”

 

"One can only hope." Perry kept her optimism at bay. "How are you holding up today?"

 

There it was, that motherly sad tone Perry had taken to use with me. I didn't want to call it pity because I was sure as hell not going to accept that. Whatever it was, was warm and sweet beckoning me home. I couldn't bring myself to fully open up or rely on anybody else after Laura. Perry and LaF were my responsibility and not the other way around.

 

"I'm good, why wouldn't I be today out of all days? It's just another Monday." I shrugged as I lied and Perry shot me that resigned look before I gave her an awkward wave. "I have to go meet a client."

 

When I headed out the bitterness of the lies I threw at our feet was almost stifling. I hated not being frank with them simply because they actually cared for me. We had come a long way from the chair tying incident to now, but I couldn't even get myself to talk about it. So I did what I did best and hid behind a shrug and a look at my shoes.

 

"You know, you're as stubborn as you ar-" BOOM!

 

A loud explosion shook this side of the building and I made a mental note that this side needed more soundproofing. I shook my head in amusement as Perry went ashen white and wide-eyed as she excused herself. I knew the drill by now so with a chuckle and flipping the 'open' sign to 'close' I closed the door behind me as I walked out.

 

When I got to my apartment it was dark and stale. I took a long sigh flipping the switch as the fluorescent lights of the marble, cement and steel apartment came to life. It was quite modest compared to the lavish rooms I had spent when following Mother around, but it was home now. The open concept layout stretched from the front door to the small leather-clad living room, its walls covered with books I had collected in my travels. It was there that I threw down my leather jacket and leather driving gloves trying to get comfortable after I had kicked my boots off in the foyer. I threw a longing look to the marble steel wide gallow-style kitchen wondering if I wanted to make myself something to eat. I sighed knowing I didn't want to eat and followed the hallway straight to the master bedroom in the back.

 

**Flashback**

_ I drank the litre slowly but knowing I couldn't stop once I tasted it. I was starved and I needed the savoury nectar to regain my strength feeling every cell of my being screaming for the nutrients that I needed. I could tell I had been close to the end, if not there already. I was so done with this heroic vampire bullshit. More than seeing it I felt Laura pull away from me, and suddenly a new aching woke within me that had nothing to do with my hunger. I had heard her voice in a chant as the first thing coming back to existence. "Please don't be dead" she had begged. I used every ounce of strength left in me to raise myself and sit at the edge of the bed trying to process everything that had happened. _

 

_ "Whoa, that was a kick." I noted ironically before I felt Laura's arms circle my frame with full force. _

 

_ I took in her scent as I felt her pull away before looking at me with those damn doe eyes that had gotten me into this mess in the first place. Yeah, Hollis was worth this and more and if she was going to look at me this way, then I would gladly go through hell and back once more. The tiny human ranted because that was Laura for you, she ranted when nervous; this time about my non-existent injuries. I wanted to tell her that I was not hurt, but she went on as she usually did once she got started. _

 

_ I stood slowly and deliberate as I watched her sexy lips move in nervous word-vomit. I looked at her wondering eyes as she moved her hands about to express herself better. It was all too much for me, the aching in my non-beating heart intensified along with the arousal between my legs. My hands moved on their own accord and framed her face while my lips found her warm ones. It was bliss as her tongue darted out exploring my own mouth and I felt as I had breathed again for the first time. Her hands caressed my arms pulling down as she pulled away making me impossibly shiver. I wasn't prone to changes in temperature but that had been intense. I stared and as if nothing at all Laura started ranting again making my smile widen impossibly. So I did what I wanted to do for the rest of my immortal life and I kissed Laura Hollis again and again and yet again. Her squeals between kisses and giggles were my delight and when she pulled away I could do nothing but smile. _

 

_ "So you're a giant black cat huh?" Laura asked as I basked in the feeling of life for the first time in centuries. _

 

_ The warmth I felt as I looked at the human was unparalleled with anything I had ever felt before. As I started at her I couldn't quite believe how incredibly lucky I felt. Suddenly it was like the flip of a switch, the scene changed and darkness clouded the room we were in. No longer was Laura within arm's reach, but a good 3 meters from me. The chasm that stretched out between us dark and endless. I couldn't look at this again, I didn't want to see. I could feel my heart beating faster, my pulse quickening the sweat on my palms and the heaviness of my breath all too human for what was about to happen. I lunged forward trying in vain to prevent what was happening, to keep her selfishly with me but in the end, I was mortal and not fast enough. As I watched her auburn hair blow around her lovely face our eyes met and I had to look away. _

_ **End Flashback** _

 

The screams woke me up and it was then that I realized it was me the one screaming. I was hyperventilating and pulling the wastebasket from next to my bed I threw up the contents of my stomach harshly. With that, I threw myself back in the bed staring at the ceiling as my chest came up and down in exertion even though it wasn't necessary. The intensity between moments had been the same but the spectrums very different. I had just relived my happiest memory and my most painful one in this warped and fucked up dream I couldn't quite wrap my head around.

I looked about my room and the bright red lights of my alarm clock told me it was close to 3:00 pm. It was too early for me to be awake, but I simply couldn't go back to bed after that. After splashing water on my face to calm myself down I decided that coffee wouldn't do me any harm and went about the stylish kitchen to make it. The hardwood was cold on my bare feet and I quite enjoyed the contrast with the heat coming off from the coffee maker. I laid my head against the cabinets and tried to shake the feeling I had gotten from that nightmare.

 

"I gave you what you wanted, an opportunity to find her Mircalla. I don't want you to make the same mistakes, child." I knew the voice so I didn't turn around, there was no use.

 

"Mother please, I am not in the mood to duel just this second." I said closing my eyes defeated even before the battle had begun.

 

"I'm not here to antagonize you, child." My Mother suggested but I knew better.

 

"I am not-"

 

"Then why do you insist in petulance?" she interrupted my bitter claim. "I give your life and you blame it on losing your dear Laura again, I give you death and you do nothing with it?"

 

"Aren't you a God?" I asked bitterly letting out a long sigh.

 

"I cannot keep helping you like this. You need to use the tools you're given Mircalla, you need to help yourself."

 

Just like that, my Mother was gone and I sat there defeated and confused. It had been years since I had spoken to Mother, so I knew this was of importance somehow. She wouldn't have contacted otherwise, and I half expected Mattie to show up as well. I let out a shaky breath knowing today wasn't going to be any easier than yesterday. Maybe today I could deliver the shipment of knives I had been completing. I had been putting the long trip off for a week now and even though I knew it would probably get my mind off things I didn't want to make such a long journey.

 

I had taken up blacksmithing after college, in a surprising twist of events I adored working with my hands and the cold steel is involved. When Laura and I had left Silas into the adult human world she took the time to peel back the layers of myself I thought too deeply forgotten. The adorable woman was always busy with her paranormal curiosity between being a reputable journalism professor on the subject but she somehow took the time to notice me in all the buzz of her life. She always made it a point to really see me.

 

**Flashback**

_ I was unboxing the contents of the kitchen with a slight hum to my work. This being human was a drag sometimes, I would've been able to reload this whole kitchen in a matter of seconds, or rather hire the right people to do so had I been a vampire still. However, there was no time whatsoever for movers or vampire speed with how things had gone about. When we got the call for Laura's transfer to Ottawa it was sudden, but, she couldn't pass up the chance. I knew her sense of morality played a big part in her decision; it's not every day Parliament calls with a job offer this highly decorated. While our shenanigans in Toronto had been fun, the way Laura's face lit up while on the phone as our eyes connected told me all I needed to know, I would go where she was going. And that was Ottawa so we packed and in excitement for the new adventure we had left. _

 

_ Apparently, she wasn't allowed to disclose the information she had received from her call. It was of utmost secrecy and even though we were honest with each other, she kept insisting it was not her secret to tell. I didn't push, I knew Laura enough to know someday she'd come home frustrated and tell me what she did for a living. All she was allowed to tell me was that this was a huge honour on her field and that she had been handpicked by the Prime Minister for such a task. I nodded my understanding not able to contain my pride. I knew finally someone could see how special Laura really was. _

 

_ So with the blur of the Capital city's life, Laura was stuck in yet another briefing and I was bored at home. Being a human was a hard adjustment for me and it continued to be a challenge in many ways. Just like I missed my speed, I missed my strength but I also missed having a purpose. Not that I wanted to go back to kidnapping college girls for my Mother, but between that, fighting my Mother, saving Silas and making sure Laura was kept alive it left little downtime. However now as a human, I was destined to run with the clicks of the clock like everyone else. I had to be careful with how I spent that time and what I would do with my second opportunity. So far, jobless was my main description. _

 

_ So in an attempt to bring myself out of self-pity and to give myself a task I took a challenge. I had told myself if Laura came home to an unpacked kitchen and living room that she would be a lot happier than the grumpy morning she had. The poor one hadn't been able to find her Doctor Who mug in the boxes we had brought from Toronto, so it threw off her whole day. I was still getting the periodical text with sad faces about the whole ordeal and as cute as I found it I knew my lady appreciated organization. The task of the living room had been completed before noon and I had taken the opportunity to try out the gaming console to make sure it had survived the move before moving onto the kitchen. _

 

_ Gaming had become my guilty pleasure in this now mortal life. I loved riding fast bikes and playing videogames so Laura would laugh at me all the time at what a cliché I was. She was a jester after all and any opportunity at teasing me was very well appreciated. Videogames gave me the experience to be these many lives and characters that not even in my many lives had I experienced. It reminded me of being myself… because even with the beating heartbeat I still felt odd in this new fragile body. I was clumsy, uncoordinated and most people now considered me broody. It was something that caught me by surprise, I hadn't thought much of what I was bummed out about lately until jokingly Laura had gotten me the console with a vampire zombie killer game. Now like every human I lived precariously through a screen. _

 

_ By the time I heard the keys jiggling on the front door, it was around supper time. I was a bit behind with dinner, but I had happily put together the kitchen with much effort. I knew she would appreciate it, but I still felt nervous about the gesture. Laura Hollis made me feel like every day was the first day of my life, and today was no exception. I decided to keep my pace at dinner, hoping to have something in her stomach before she had to go to bed. I was aware that the first few days were going to be a lot of rinse and repeat with Laura in Parliament instead of home. _

 

_ I listened to her shed her formal flats and throw them on the shoe rack I had set up there beside the foyer table where I could hear her keys being dropped with a sigh and the door lock behind her. I could recognize the rustling of fabric as she took off her warm coat and I smiled as my stomach made jumps of anticipation at seeing her smiling face. I had missed her, no doubt and it took me by surprise every time. _

 

_ "Carm? Baby the living room looks-" she started as she walked into view taking in my work but then she turned around to face me. _

 

_ Her smile lit up so much it took my breath away and I couldn't help but chuckle and blush at the feeling like I was a schoolgirl. She drank me with her eyes like someone eyes a cold glass of water in a hot humid day. Her eyes fell to my hands and the precision with which I was taken to task with my chore. It was important to have sharpened knives in the kitchen. I learnt this in France, being good friends with Georges Auguste Escoffier while he created the Nouvelle Cuisine. It was the first thing I had to do before starting the preparations for dinner. _

 

_ Laura's head tilted in an adorable way, I knew this was a sign of thought and I let her process whatever her mouth was about to grace me with. It was as inevitable as dusk and dawn. _

 

_ "You're really good with your hands baby." Laura spoke while walking towards me and I smirked as she blushed. _

 

_ "Why thank you creampuff, I'm glad you noticed after all this time. How many orgasms have there been…eight hundred and-" _

 

_ "Entirely not the point here Carmilla!" Laura chuckled as she wrapped her arms around my waist and embraced me from the back smelling me. _

 

_ I closed my eyes and stilled my movements savouring the contact. Her body finally touching mine in any way was a breath of fresh air in the deep realms of the ocean. Her white blouse was delicate and smelled like her perfume and starch from the dry cleaners but I loved how it snuggly fit her body with the map I had to match it within my mind. The racing this produced of my heart always shocked me as I felt my body throb with the ache of 'missing her' being replaced by the fullness of her presence. _

 

_ "I mean, I've always seen you sharpen knives in Silas, in Toronto and now, here." I could feel her smile on my shoulder as her arms tightened around my waist. "And every time I feel like it's mesmerizing and you could probably hold a webcast on you honing knives all day." _

 

_ Her giggle rung in my ear as a smile widened my lips with it. I loved hearing Laura giggle but I knew what else I heard in her tone; determination. I knew that when my girlfriend would get this idea into her head there was nothing else to do but to buckle up for the ride. _

_ **End Flashback** _

 

As I hit the keys of the keyboard I tried re-reading the original email again.

 

**The official investigation by the Ottawa Police Department concluded that there were no significant findings at this time to continue the investigation on the case of Laura Hollis and its classification as a suicide. Unless new information is brought forward on a suspected crime, the records will continue to be stored by the Detectives at the Cold Cases Unit of our Department. The Department will communicate with you about any changes that occur after this method of communication you have selected.**

 

My mouse lingered over the blue link that read ' **unsubscribe** '. I wanted to press it and with it restart everything all over again in some kind of cosmic chasm. I had decided to come into work and get some invoicing settled for the work week. I already had everything printed out, shipping materials all taped up and products ready for shipping awaiting transport. It was around 5:00 a.m. and I was ready to call it a night after making the shipping checklists for Perry to help me out when I decided to give my e-mail one last look. It looked to be an automated email, something abundantly impersonal that could be re-used later. The e-mail communications would save a Detective an awkward trip anyways. I didn't know an official account of things when I was there. I didn't want to deal with this right now, I couldn't. So with a press of a button, I shut off the computer before holding my head in my hands knowing I needed a break.

 

**

 

**BE SAFE CARMILLA! USE HAND SANITIZER AND DON'T EAT ANYTHING TOO RAW!**

**-Perry and LaF (Get samples of interesting things)**

 

I couldn't help but chuckle at the text message as I read it over and over again. I had already replied but I was happy to have the duo in my life. They reminded me of happier times, times where I felt like I had the world at my feet. I was interrupted about my train of thought when the redhead who had been serving me started approaching me with coffee. The beauty of being nocturnal was that there was always a pot on it seemed. The redhead was tall and reminded me of Danny. The way the freckles adorned her face made her seem more attractive than she really was. I liked her face, but her voice left much to be desired with its pitch. I almost cringed knowing she was about to talk but took care in holding my face in that stoic look I was known for.

 

"Hey, there cutie, more coffee?" the redhead asked obviously interested.

 

"No, thank you just the check." I tried politely.

 

"Oh, don't worry. There was a woman who picked up the tab for you. She said something about paying it forward or something." The waitress admitted and I sat there dumbfounded.

 

I hadn't noticed anyone come and go, or notice me beside the red-headed waitress. Granted I was too into my coffee and self-pity that I hadn't quite looked around at all. Now the small metal and red-leather diner were mostly empty and the red neon gave the tables a glow that was quite a sight. Long ahead I looked at a shrouded figure but upon a second look, I decided that perhaps it was my imagination and a raincoat playing tricks on me for it was there no longer. With this in mind and the knowledge that daylight would be fast approaching, I threw some cash on the table and with a smirk towards the waitress I left.

 

By the time I had found a small motel on the side of the road, it was starting to clear up into the new day. I was cutting it close a lot these days and I wondered deep inside me if I had finally gotten to the point of giving up this cruel existence. The thought plagued me more often than not after Laura, to be honest only the thought of Perry's horror and LaF's heartbreak had held me back most days. However here I was nobody to no one. The anonymity made my thoughts race in a dark direction.

 

I shed my boots off, along with my shirt and pants dropping onto the musty bed in just my underwear. I was tired of driving for roughly 13 hours, but mostly I was tired of moving forward despite your happiness being behind you. The ache in my chest was still ever present from the loss and after so many years I still found myself breathless from grief on most days. I kept telling myself Laura would've wanted me to live a happy life, but what is happiness without her? Yes; I'd pretty much like to be dead now.

 

I cried myself to sleep that dawn like I had so many others and despite my wishes for the contrary, my eyes opened up again into a new night when 4:00 pm rolled around. I took a litre of 'soy milk' out of the arctic cooler LaF had developed for me and polished it for breakfast. I liked to be full before having my coffee when I was out of the workshop. In the workshop, my hands would be busy and coffee would give them a second of delay so my brain could re-evaluate the particular piece I was working on. With that in mind and the long road ahead I wrangled my belongings with haste.

 

I felt the breeze hit my face as my hair flew all around me. I enjoyed the crispness of the night and the sound of my radio as the stars adorned my way. It helped me clear my thoughts but not forget them. It's why I had chosen the long drive instead of the flight. I planned on making the 37-hour drive mostly at night when traffic wasn't unbearable and I could shave time off the schedule. Perks of being a vampire included: night vision, advanced reflexes, super speed, and durability among others. These combined let me speed as fast as I dared when no other vehicles were in danger and the reflexes to know when to tone it down. So far I had taken off about 20 hours from the trip but right now I wasn't in the mood to be vigilant or speed. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to enjoy the moment away from the hustling and bustling of the Toronto lifestyle.

 

Moving back to Toronto had been my idea after the accident. Or what we liked to call an accident. Perry, LaFontaine, Mr. Hollis, and I cringed and spat on the idea that Laura would've ever taken her life in a manner of suicide. The Ottawa Police Department along with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police thought otherwise. I couldn't stand walking about the damn city every day and look at Parliament the same way so I sold everything and took off. Mr. Hollis who had moved to Ottawa to be closer to us had also left, instead deciding to go off the grid and handle his own investigation. I wanted to have the fire for the vigilante work he was now doing but in the end, I knew some part of the truth on the matter so I couldn't simply handle things the same way.

 

When I had arrived in Toronto I just wanted to forget and get away from Ottawa and the horrible memories I had there. I had been saving up to start my own business and workshop but that was a dream I wasn't ready to face. Laura had been a huge fan of living frugally and I respected that by not dipping into the trust fund Mattie and Mother had left to my name. It felt good too, reaching something by your own merit and knowing that Laura had supported me every step of the way it felt even better.

 

The store for which I had worked for in Ottawa selling, sharpening and ultimately building chef knives had been sad to lose me as a worker but they understood. Everyone around us believed my girlfriend had committed suicide so it was only natural I wanted to skip. I wanted to leave the city but I loved working there and the friendships I made with some of them were not ones I would easily forget. I had happily found my calling in that store, something that gave me purpose away from my Mother, being a former vampire and even from Laura. I had worked and learnt something that was all my own, a reflection of what I truly felt and saw deep inside. If I could erase the last 6 months in Ottawa, the time spent there had been my happiest time.

  
  


**Flashback**

_ When I arrived in Toronto it was rough in the beginning and I had struggled to be on my own. I had refused to get rid of Laura's things, even setting them up as if she was still living with me. I was constantly either working from home or out selling my knives when a chef in the city suggested I got a workshop, somewhere where people could come to me instead of me going to them. I had thought about it but my motivation was non-existent after the incident. I had procrastinated for months about the idea until I was quite literally pushed into it. _

 

_ I was half annoyed and mildly impressed that this new client had given me the actual blueprints of the design they wanted. Most people seek my knives because of the craftsmanship and the flair I gave the steel. I tended to use German steel shaped in a Japanese fashion, I had a trademark for comfort but also durability while giving the chef's the versatility to customize various facets of their non-commercial requests. This took customizing to a whole new level. The sole reason why I had agreed to take it on was because of the challenge and the intricacy of building it. I had been commissioned for something different, the buyer wasn't a chef, more of a hunter and I hesitantly agreed after hearing about the blueprints and the design. _

 

_ After about a month of working my regular orders, like the single set, non-customized sets for bigger operations like hotels and working extra for the new project I had finally completed it. I had welcomed the time it kept my mind and hands busy since I couldn't bear to think of anything else, anything recent. Sadly today the buyer and I were to meet for the first time. It was in a well-known part of town for its convenient location central to markets and restaurants. We hadn't met in person for details, only email as the buyer was away for business apparently. This, however, didn't make me nervous, I knew I could now very well face anything I needed to. I would be ready when life decided to surprise me again. _

 

_ Only I wasn't. _

 

_ When I arrived at the premises I realized it was a double unit commercial warehouse with tons of space. One side sounded vacant but the second was occupied. 'The Apothecary and Scientific Solutions' read the sign outside the tinted door as I secured the knife kit underneath my arm and focused on getting the names the buyer had offered me in the electronic correspondence. Once inside I could see the place was massive. _

 

_ The public space had been carved to be a small Apothecary like the ones I remembered in the good ol' days. I could see shelves upon shelves of goodies like herbal teas and frog's legs and more. It seemed they sold in bulk and the small shop and isles were more for browsing and shopping locally. I could see there were signs that instructed to ask for Specialty Items at the counter. Everything was extremely clean and organized. I directed my attention to such counter and noticed a pretty little blonde with blue eyes staring at me from behind the aforementioned counter. My heartfelt the heaviness of the pang of longing as I saw the woman, not because she looked like the source of my misery but because I couldn't even see another woman without thinking of who I had lost. The attendant gave me a practiced smile as she eyed me up and down before licking her lips. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea so I spoke quickly. _

 

_ "Delivery for Mr. Schwartz." _

 

_ "Oh perfect! This is gonna brighten their day!" the blonde bubbled dumbly and I lost all shadow of interest on this woman. _

 

_ "It's night time." I declared throwing her a puzzled look wondering if she was blind. _

 

_ The whole front of the building was decked with windows giving the counter attendant ample time to see who was coming into the business and what their intentions were. _

 

_ "I know that." The blonde assured as she pressed a button on the phone-looking contraption in front of her. _

 

_ I shifted uncomfortably in my leather pants as I grew impatient. I could smell there were more people here and there was something about the other scents throwing me off. I couldn't quite place it but it had my hair standing on edge. I felt like I would turn into a cat any minute now and flee. As I stood there anxiously the blonde's voice poked my senses again. _

 

_ "Someone is here for Mr. Schwartz." _

 

_ That seemed to be all she needed to say because in seconds she had hung up and gave me a polite smile. She excused herself and disappeared behind the door to the left of the counter before I could protest but in her wake appeared someone else that I couldn't quite believe. _

 

_ "He—Hello Carmilla." the woman uttered as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat at her presence, I couldn't quite believe my eyes. _

 

_ "I… hi." I croaked not being able to say anything else as I gripped tightly to what I was holding. _

 

_ Slowly the dread started to seep into me, the sheer panic that I would have to be the one to deliver the news about Laura. I didn't know where to start or even what to say being in front of Perry. I had failed them just like I had failed Laura and myself. I was ashamed and I couldn't quite understand how to express that after all these lifetimes of not feeling such a thing. _

 

_ "I thought I'd be tongue-tied. I almost nearly was when I saw you standing here fangs and all." Perry tried to joke before it turned into a barrage of words. "No offence, of course, we have the utmost respect for you as always." _

 

_ "Thank you" I whispered hoping to not crush her with what would inevitably be said. _

 

_ "Perr, have you told her yet? I'm growing old here and I have vectors to test for the deadline on the MK Project." I could hear LaF's impatient voice before they came into view. _

 

_ The shorter redhead looked exactly like they did in college and it made me wonder if they were the vampire or if it was I. The exception to this was, of course, the fact that they now sported some sort of high tech monocle looking apparatus on her left eye. They regarded me with a smile and a small awkward wave and it reminded me so much of that time that Laura had disappeared in the library that I could understand that they already knew. _

 

_ "I'm thoroughly confused. Told me what?" I asked Perry who was rolling her eyes at La Fontaine. _

 

_ "As you can see some things have not changed since college like LaF's impatience and my lack of tolerance for it. However, there are some things that have… like you being a vampire again and us having a reputable business." _

 

_ Perry had started nervously ranting before she asked me to follow LaF and her behind the counter and through an orange door on the west wall. When I came through I could appreciate the space was much bigger than I had anticipated the second part of the warehouse would be. It was beautiful, an open canvas of sorts, completely perfect in the availability of the space and structure. I could envision a layout with a small shop in the front much like the apothecary next door while a wall made out of a long slab of wood could separate my actual workshop from the store. This place had potential and I so desperately wanted to reach for it and grab it and make myself a bit less miserable in this existence. _

 

_ "We've had this empty space for quite some time now, LaF insisted they could use more space for whatever the 'science' part of our business is but I have to give them some boundaries to follow. You must remember them." Perry smiled as I chuckled and nodded ruffling LaF's hair to much of their protests to Perry's comments. _

 

_ "It's not like it wouldn't go to good use." LaF countered as Perry smiled gently at them. _

 

_ "It'll go to good use now as well love." Perry mentioned lovingly as LaF blushed and I silently longed for Laura. _

 

_ "So why make me build a very detailed knife to show me this place? Why not just call me up?" I asked shrugging as LaF gaped at me. _

 

_ "Well, I had come to understand that you were a vampire again, had to take precautions… there were rumours of a giant black animal going on a killing spree of hikers near Kingston around the time when-" _

 

_ "La Fontaine that's enough!" Perry chided with force as LaF held their tongue giving me a 'had to do it' look. _

 

_ "It's alright Perry, you're both right to ask." I admitted nodding as I walked about the empty space. "I wished that I could tell you otherwise, I really want the space… but the reality is that it was indeed I who did what I did in Kingston." _

 

_ Perry shook her head giving me a sympathetic look as she reached for my hand. I let her take it, feeling somehow connected to what I had lost. Before I knew it tears were falling down my face and Perry had pulled me against her shoulder. _

 

_ "We need to stick together darling, Laura would've wanted that." _

 

_ With that, I had space to myself and the company of dearest friends. _

 

_ **End Flashback** _

  
  


I didn't know why I bothered with human establishments, but in reality, they were a guilty pleasure. The people watching would take off my mind from heavier things. I had pulled into this small town motel and diner moments before dawn and went to bed. I woke up around 4:00 pm and through the completely tinted lone window of the room, I could see the beautiful scenery outside. I had chosen the room for this reason. After my regression to vampirism, daylight was more damaging towards me than ever.

 

I had my own coffee maker and to my delight, it was a smoking room. With much giddiness, I brewed a pot of my favourite morning liquid and as I counted the drips I reached for a small black bag in my duffel bag. I intended to come back refreshed from this trip and with the beautiful view from this window I couldn't think of a better time to get down to business.

 

I opened the bag meant for makeup slowly, careful to not tousle the contents too much. Once open I pulled out a small torch lighter, a red vampire fanged circular metal piece and a slab of papers. With a steady hand, I reached for the vacuum sealed dispensary bag and opened the lid of the metal grinder before placing a couple of bright green and orange nuggets inside. I found myself humming at the practice and was pleasantly surprised at my good mood. I moved my hands diligently to prepare the ground buds and toss them into the almost translucent paper. With a skill mastered long ago in France, I twisted and twirled the paper until I had a perfectly shaped cigarette looking joint in my hands.

 

With my masterpiece steadily held behind my ear, I went and prepared my coffee just the way I liked it. When I sat back down on the window I took the first sip with a smile before putting my mug down and placing the smooth rolled paper on my lips and lighting it up. As I inhaled the first hit I could instantly taste the coffee lingering on my tongue better, I could hear across the glass to where the cold breeze threatened with the chill of possible ice or snow, I could see the rays of the fading sun creating rainbows across the landscape. Beside my heightened senses, I could feel my body relaxing with every hit as I sank into the seat enjoying the scenery.

 

The crisp brightness of the autumn landscape was my favourite, but here it was almost downright magical. This was the last town before hitting the resort I was meeting the chef in, which was about an hour and a half away. I could certainly see why with how beautiful the wilderness was here. The mountains in the backdrop of the town were coated with a dusting of snow, the gray stone a stark contrast with the red, orange, maroon, yellow and pink trees all around. It was that magical time between seasons where you could feel the cold coming.

 

As I finished my morning, the sun completely ducked down behind the mountains, making way for the night that eagerly awaited me. I decided to take a shower and literally hunt down some breakfast before heading to see where the resort I was delivering it was. I had agreed with the chef to meet them tomorrow night but I liked to be prepared and scope out the routes in and out to where I was going. Secretly I was also hoping to be able to take off for a bit and let the wilder of my sides out. For now, the shower was warm awaiting me.

  
  


**Beast**

**_I could smell the musk of the earth damp with the coldness of the night as the leaves and twigs cracked underneath my weight. I was down with my belly touching the ground as I had followed the scent of blood up a crackling stream. My keen sense of smell was making me salivate even though I was very aware that the blood was an animal's. I could faintly tell there was something else with the bloodied animal but the frenzy the blood created clouded my judgement. So much so, that I was keenly aware that dawn was coming soon but I couldn't turn off the prey drive commanding me to stalk and taste this morsel. After a few more minutes of trekking, I could realize with excitement that I was close enough to sprint to my destination._ **

 

**_When I hit the clearing the streams sounds became stronger but I could care less as I made a beeline to the animal carcass that laid there. I savagely pulled on muscle and meat after pulling on fur and skin with my big powerful jaws. I suddenly heard a gasp behind me and I turned around towards the sound. My teeth bare, blood and saliva falling from my jaws undoubtedly making me look more ferocious than I meant to. This was instinct taking over; the overwhelming desire to protect my food was animal enough to leave me no choice._ **

 

**_The hunter now in front of me was elbow deep in blood from the elk I had been polishing off, a knife was held protectively between us as they adopted a fight vs flight stance. I could tell the small hunter was experienced despite their stature. I had learnt to not underestimate hunters with the passage of time. The brown hiking leather boots made the leaves and twigs underneath it crunch with the shift of the small hunter's weight as they jabbed at the air in defensive motions. The layers upon layers of clothing combined with the burka and scarf made the animal in me weary as my lip curled into a snarl in warning while a growl resounded from my chest. She lunged in reflex and so did I biting her hand making her drop the weapon. I jumped back instantly regretting it and when our eyes connected the growl that had been deep within my chest died as I let out a whimper from the pits of my stomach. The burning amber colour made my heart wrench in pain even in this form, these eyes reminded me of a love long lost to my existence human or animal. I was overcome with such grief and pain that I took off running in the direction I had come from as inexplicably in the distance I could hear the hunter's muffled call out for me. It couldn't be Laura. I repeated to myself trying to beat the sun._ **

 


	2. Chapter 2

**The Beat of My Heart, Or Lack of Thereof**

**Chapter 02:**

The cabin of the cab was silent and I preferred it that way. The only thing between the cab driver and I had been the address of the resort I was delivering to and pleasantry of the evening. I was sarcastic, but not raised in a barn after all. I watched the landscape blur past the car or vice-versa as I felt the glass nice and steady against my head leaning on it. It was slushy and bitterly cold so I had to wear an actual coat to blend into the human world. Chefs were convenient because they liked meeting after the sun had set in most cases making my cover flawless. Most of my clients would seek me instead of the other way around so I was pretty much left to arrange a time and they’d agree with it. I would usually correspond with the client as much as I could in the design phase of the project so that I could get a feel for what they really wanted versus what was practical and they needed. I often asked for schedules, types of cuisine, preferred cuts, and preferred product to work with. Things like if they used anything frozen versus fresh could make a huge difference in how the knife would be developed.

This case in specific was a first for me because the knives that had been ordered were a surprise gift for the chef and the kitchen staff. They had qualified for a prestigious event and the management was so excited and proud they wanted to let the kitchen staff know it with what I had made. I had to gather as much information as I could from the Maitre’D and the lead server. The line cooks all received colour coordinated standard Silus series 8-inch knives which I had forged in double tempered steel to meet their prepping needs. For the Sous Chef I had carved a maple wood handle to accompany the Vond Series cleaver that could finesse cuts but would also cut through a rack of ribs like it was its business. Partially because it was its business. I had curiously looked up Chef Selene L. Hollenstein within the competition website but to no avail, since there was no picture available. 

I chuckled amusingly myself noting the signs indicating that the next exit held the much-anticipated resort. I had the last knife set aside which was the main piece of the project. It was a one of a kind blade I had forged just for this specific chef. The staff and management had nothing but amazing things to talk about the woman. Apparently, this chef was caring but firm, a perfectionist but forgiving, driven beyond what any of them had previously seen and self-giving to the end for the loyalty of her kitchen, therefore, they needed something as unique as her. I took to task concentrating on the information I had of them. They were short, energetic, commanding and a natural leader. This Chef didn’t use frozen items, often getting the freshest ingredients available for her dishes. Even after the firmest toughest services, she’d make sure her kitchen and the wait staff had a drink paid for waiting for them at the end of their shift to unwind. Staff meal was called family meal and front of the house as well as the back of the house would sit to eat together in a break from duties between services. This made for a very driven but fun team.

It was the type of person I wanted to make a knife for. I could see a woman breaking barriers in her industry and doing it by being supportive instead of demonizing her staff and co-workers. That was rare in the industry and truly remarkable and worthy of celebration. I had looked forward to the trip when the management insisted I delivered them personally. Apparently, the Chef was a fan of my work, I could appreciate that.

Before I knew it, the cab had stopped in front of a gate for a huge manor looking estate. The prestigious resort was well known for its privacy so the cab rolled down the back window where the security guard’s face popped into view with a smile. 

“Welcome to Thornville Manor, may I see your invitation?” the fit brunette man asked as I read his name tag while producing the paper accompanied by my business card.

“I’m here to meet with the Food and Beverage Manager Silvia Celeste. My name is Carmilla Karnstein, I’m from Le Fanu Designs and she’s expecting me.” I announced as he lit up.

“Certainly Miss Karnstein, if the driver would graciously leave you at the side entrance, I’ll gladly settle his bill upon his exit.” The man named Gerard assured as I nodded and tapped the cabbie on the shoulder for a quick exit. 

The night was still clear enough that I could make most of the lavish Manor that reminded me of my time with Mother and my dear sister. The gardens and forest surrounding it reminding me of times that involved hide and seek in the moonlight or hunting together in the forest. I missed Mattie so much it was almost as painful as Laura’s absence. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into my sister’s arms and weep for the love I had lost. I was finally happy and now it was all gone. I shook my head of the thoughts as I saw whom I suspected was Miss Celeste waiting eagerly to greet me. 

The cab pulled up to her and I noticed that the woman was tall, with a half-shaved head of black hair accompanied by a dress suit of navy blue and red accents. She looked like professionalism and queerness all rolled into one and my trademark smirk slapped itself in my face involuntarily. I waved the cabbie a goodbye as Miss Celeste opened the door for me. I shook her hand as I stood from the cab and motioned for her to give me pause before I banged on the cab’s side and it popped the trunk open where the other two rolling cases were stored containing the team's knives. The satchel across my chest with the Chef’s knife set heavy with the responsibility of the package. With a wave of her hand the woman motioned for the bellhops to grab the cases which I let them but when one made a move for the one on my chest I shook my head.

“I’d like to hold on to the Chef’s knives until delivery, thank you.” I mentioned as Celeste waved the bellhops away.

“I’d like to formally introduce myself, I’m Silvia Celeste, you may call me Silvia welcome to Thornville Manor Miss Karnstein. It’s a great honour to have Le Fanu Designs in the premises.” The woman raved in earnest as I chuckled and shook her hand again.

“You’re too generous; I’m just here for safe delivery. It’s always nice to see the recipient's face’s when they see the results of a custom job.” I admitted as the woman nodded as she led us inside the walls of the resort. The compound was all tied to the Manor which served as commons, kitchen and restaurant as well as the ballrooms and entertainment galleries. The rooms were attached to the main building by enclosed courtyards leading to the villas that held rooms for housing. It was a beautiful set up to see before getting jolted into reality by the host tugging at my coat for coat check. I graciously slipped out of it but hanging on to the knife set I adjusted my leather jacket with the satchel hanging off one shoulder like a quiver. They had told me about a dinner, which is why I had selected my finest tailored leather jacket which hugged me in all the right places with sleeves a bit higher than my wrist donning a silver long sleeve shirt/dress along with black leather pants and boots. It was as formal as I could get without a suit. 

“As discussed, the kitchen staff is to receive the knives tonight at the celebratory dinner that will be held for them in the 4th-floor ballroom. I absolutely love your style, I know the kitchen will certainly appreciate it. They hate things being too formal.” Celeste joked and I nodded with a smirk as she led the way to the elevators. 

“When should I present myself? I don’t want to intrude in this dinner.” I mentioned hoping for a quick exit.

“Non-sense, you’re an honoured guest. In the spirit of the surprise, we have disguised the knife gifting ceremony with a visit from you instead. As mentioned in the correspondence the Chef is a big fan of your work and she was more than thrilled to learn that we had made contact with you to attend the dinner.” Silvia explained as we took the elevator to the 4 th floor.

“I’m quite complimented to know the Chef and the kitchen have heard of my work,” I admitted as Silvia chuckled. 

“Quite modest but you’re probably an artist of the year in the field of the culinary arts and you’re not a chef! I don’t believe many have been this successful. Your work only lets ours become much much easier. If I have a happy Chef, I have a happy kitchen. When that happens, I have happy customers and happy bosses, it’s all a chain and you start it with such magnificent products.” Silvia raved and I felt myself blush if I could.

“I do the best I can with that.” I admitted as the elevator stopped and she led us out of the lobby area and across double doors to the ballroom.

“Just follow me and I’ll introduce you to the kitchen manager who can introduce you to the staff. I need to excuse myself to verify the status of the activity and grab your payment as well.” Silvia instructed as I nodded and did as asked.

I did as she instructed and followed her taking the Champagne flute she had offered me as I walked behind her. The ballroom was spacious and glamorous filled with decorations and great music making a good atmosphere. The vibrant people were out in full swing but the ballroom was not crowded. I could tell this was the kitchen staff because of their casual laid-back demeanour talking to each other. That casualty didn’t extend to drinking in which their expertise showed just as well as the Ottawa and Toronto chefs. The truth was the Industry was its own clique and with such came certain characteristics that were the same no matter where I was. It put me at ease in the big room filled with people, I hated big events and quite frankly would’ve politely declined being put on the spot in such a way but this was a big contract and I wanted to meet the Chef.

Even though her likeness wasn’t online her plates were and boy did it look amazing. I had a policy to always before or after meeting the chef I was designing for no matter what. It was a personal goal. A promise I had made in what seemed like a lifetime ago. I almost remembered it, lost in my own memories; but Silvia broke me out of my thoughts with an introduction.

“This is our kitchen manager Kolton, he’s going to take it from here.” Silvia introduced me to a young blonde man in a short haircut and a crisp suit.

The guy pushed his black-rimmed glasses up before shaking my hand firmly with a smile. I reciprocated really liking his vibe and gave him the closest I could muster to a smile. 

“Hello there Miss Karnstein, it’s an absolute pleasure to meet you.” He smiled as I nodded surprised he knew me on sight. “How was the drive?”

“It was good to see the changes, very amusing.” I admitted as he nodded in approval. 

“I hope you enjoy yourself tonight. I know it’s a job and we might be just another client but Chef Selene truly loves your work. She will be over the moon over your appearance and her new set” Kolton explained with a wink and I chuckled. “Besides it’s an open bar, so help yourself please.” 

I nodded grabbing another flute of Champagne from a passing waiter and finished gulping down the first one. As much as I liked meeting and conversing with chefs, the way they talked about this one made me nervous. It made me feel like this person had put my work in a pedestal and I wasn’t quite sure if I would mount up to much of what her idea of me could be. I had fans of my work before, but this one was quite the build-up. Driving all the way to Jasper had been lovely, a trip I owed to myself for a long time so I took it on the spot, but in reality, I was now nervous for business reasons. This Chef going to Gold Medal Plates with my hardware was a huge power move and one I knew my Mother, Mattie would’ve and LaF plus Perry had endorsed. By the end of my rambling mind, the second flute of Champagne was gone and I needed something stronger.

“Kolton, you said open bar?” I asked the young guy as he beamed me a smile. 

“Hell yes, cannot have a kitchen staff party without an open bar. Right, this way Miss Karnstein.” He instructed and I started walking with him.

“Call me Carmilla please, the titles make me feel like I’m in the 16 th Century.” ‘ _ All over again _ my mind’ finished for me.

“Thanks, we’re really casual around here, it’s just your visit is something of a big deal to Selene and the team. They’re mostly into their own conversations and haven’t  _ really _ noticed you, but when they do…” the man smiled and looked over his co-workers with longing.

It was nice, you could see he cared about the team, he wanted to see the surprise and awe in their faces and I could respect that. When I had started in the knives business in Ottawa and I was introduced to the Industry I learnt more and more about the families you could create within it. People who you’d spend 12+ hours with and still at the end of the night you wanted to have a smoke, a drink a meal with. This was definitely a family more than a team and if I was their prize, then so be it. I got pulled away from my thoughts as the bartender put the shot of bourbon in front of me accompanied by my beer.

“Wow Kolton I thought I was wrong but Google says I’m not! Look at that, Carmilla Karnstein in the flesh!” the guy approaching us mentioned with an amused look and sultry green eyes.

It was like the cat within me arched its back and hissed at this buzzcut brunette hair and short trimmed beard with a cocky smile. I stood straighter than I usually did give him a low look with ‘uninterested’ written all over my face while I leaned my elbows against the bar and leaned against it bored.

“Hello,” I stated in a breezed passing while the guy’s eyebrows shot up in challenge.

“Dave, I thought you were manning the kitchen today…” Kolton asked incredulously as the wheels in his head twisted taking in his chef whites and black pants in contrast to everyone’s attire.

“Yeah, I don’t get to party being from the sister company and all.” Dave spoke to me but I didn’t acknowledge him, instead, I shot back my bourbon and grabbed my beer to sip on toying with the leather strap of the knife set on my back.

“David! What is going on!?” Kolton demanded in a stern voice getting the cook’s attention as his head snapped with snark at the manager.

“Sous sent me to get some pheasant from Chateau and when I came back Sous and Chef were arguing about a dish. Sous said some juicy personal stuff like did you know that when they sit at home Sous tries to get all frisky and--”

“David! Only pertinent details!” Kolton advised as I raised an eyebrow at these developments and counted myself amused.

“Well long story short Chef kicked Sous out of the kitchen and sent me for a smoke break while she took care of things.” The man finished as Kolton’s face fell.

“No… no, no, no this night was for her! Oh, damn it!” Kolton admonished as he ran a hand through his blonde hair in thought. “Go find Sous and call me back.” 

With that order and a shit-eating grin with a comment about the happiness of being out of the kitchen the guy left. I sipped my beer thinking this party had gotten a whole lot more interesting. It seemed like the Chef and Sous were dating and in my honest opinion that always caused tension in the kitchen. I had only met 3 couples in my travels that made a kickass team. My favourite was a pair of wives that I met in Ottawa who one was the Executive and her wife were the Sous in a small beachside restaurant in the Caribbean. This relationship seemed like had just spiced up the whole kitchen with a visitor crew present.

“Excuse me Carmilla, I  **have** to go check on this.” Kolton explained and I pushed off the bar. 

“By all means, lead the way.” I smiled and he flashed me one back with worry. “No sweat, I’ve seen my share of kitchen arguments. I broke up two brothers fist fighting on the line because of a hockey argument once… so no sweat I won’t judge. Just want to meet the chef and deliver her new knives in case she needs them at this very second.”

Kolton looked relieved and with a nod, he started walking towards the elevators as I followed him. I could see him texting rapidly on his phone various numbers. ‘I cannot believe this is about the Elk!’ Kolton mumbled sparking my curiosity. I stayed quiet and admonished myself for not grabbing another beer before following since this one was about done. When we arrived at the 2 nd floor I could hear the familiar bustling of the kitchen and the clanking of plates, pots, spoons among shuffling bodies and orders. The woman’s voice was raspy from use but the tone made my heart ache with longing. It wasn’t the first time I heard someone that sounded like her. 

“I want the scallops nice and caramelized for that our d'oeuvres that are about to come out Charlie.” 

“Yes, Chef!” 

“And Nikkolai, I guess if you have to buy some more time for the roasted pheasant entrée then start plating the roasted Pork shank and have Eric help you with the Pan Seared Trouts. I reckon that would give you enough time to supplant the Elk gravy for Beef Jus on the main entrée.” I heard the Chef explain as we rounded the corner and I could see her leading the service.

Her back was towards us and what a back it was. Her dress had an open back even though it was a simple silver cocktail dress with quarter sleeves. It showed off her body amazingly, her toned arms and defined legs were on display with her black pumps while a white trimmed black vest lay gingerly on the prep table beside her. Her neck was regal while her hair was held up in a perfect bun to keep away from the food it’s bright colour subdued by the hair tie. I heard her call out more orders in a commanding voice that was a stark contrast to her small stature. I knew already I was going to enjoy handing this knife set over to its rightful owner.

“So this IS about the Elk!” Kolton noted from behind her as I watched the tiny chef spin around and face us.

If my heart could’ve stopped again it would’ve because I was frozen on the spot. I couldn’t form a single coherent thought or reason within my mind as I blatantly stared at the woman in front of me. She gave me a smile and I quivered with a shiver so powerful the feline within me roared in approval. I wasn’t sure how to move again but I forced myself to offer her my hand as her eyes lit up upon the realization that I was standing in front of her.  _ She _ was my fan? I pondered as I felt the warm soft hand in mine while I fought tears back to not make a fool of myself.

“It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you Miss Karnstein. I’ve been a fan of your craft since I tried one of your knives in a seminar in Ottawa.” She spoke and I swallowed the lump deep in my throat while my chest felt heavy as if on fire.

“Oh, are you from Ottawa?” I tried to compose myself. ‘ _ There was no way, no literal way. I had seen her fall.’ _

“As far as I know I’m natively from Oshawa, moved to Jasper with my parents when I was two and never left home I guess. I travel a lot with my work though, so it’s nice to look around the country, I visited Ottawa on a seminar and went by Knifewear. You’re an absolute legend.” She rambled in a way that made me look away as I felt my heart break all over again.

“Chef!” one of the cooks got her attention and I looked away while I grabbed at my chest remembering how to breathe. 

“Kolton is there a bathroom in this level?” I asked as composed as I could feel the last shreds of my sanity begin to dissipate.

“Out the kitchen doors to the right.” He explained before I took off.

“Come on Selene, it’s your celebration too! Gold Medal Plates is a big deal--” Kolton’s voice begged gently lower as I got away.

When I crossed into the bathroom I held onto the sink for dear life as I dry heaved before throwing up on the sink. The whirlwind of emotions and alcohol now hitting me full force had to be the only reasonable explanation as to why I was seeing Laura Hollis’ face on this Selene chef. My hands trembled as I washed the sink, my mouth and my face over and over again to no avail. I dried my face and fixed my makeup before dipping my hand into the inside pocket of my jacket and pulling out my electric cigarette. I preferred a conventional way to manage my anxiety but this was like the epi-pen of my situation. Without much ado, I took a big rip and then another. I shook my head trying to get ready to come out but I felt my resolve shake as I remembered how her hand felt in my own. So familiar, so recognized and perfect in every way. 

My hands trembled as I decided to take another puff for good measure in the hopes that it would help me think clearer and let me see this person for who it really was. Before I could muster up the courage to come out the door swung open and there she was in the flesh. She looked up and her face lit up with a shy seductive smile that I was way too familiar with. Now with her gorgeous hair down as it fell in waves around her shoulders, I could see there was no mistake at all. This was Laura unless Mr. Hollis had another daughter long lost twin that I had no idea about. 

“There you are…” she spoke and I recognized the bubbliness of her nervousness well within the tone. “I didn’t know if I had spooked you, I’m a little intense when I first meet people, at least my girlfriend seems to think so…” 

“Girlfriend?” I peeped horrified at the insane flare of jealousy that filled my very being. 

I watched her rinse her hands thoroughly before grabbing the paper towel deliberately letting my question linger in the air longer than needed. I wondered if perhaps she was thinking of lying to me. The fact was that no matter how much she looked like Laura, it seemed she didn’t remember me at all. Or at least she hadn’t made any comment towards it. I found the situation peculiar and I couldn’t understand what was going on but I could identify something very clearly in the room; her heartbeat. She was alive and well it seemed on the other side of Canada with no recollection whatsoever or who I was or how much it pained me and relieved me to see her here. 

“Yeah, we sort of had a fight tonight. We’ve been fighting a lot lately… since we got announced that we’d have this party. I wanted everything to be perfect but a bit of an incident delayed my menu of choice and--” she fell silent and her cheeks took that embarrassed rosy tone I absolutely adored. I wanted nothing more than to close the distance between us and kiss her.

“I must be boring you, I’m so sorry for intruding… wow, I just cornered you in the ladies bathroom. Way to go Hollis!” she chuckled embarrassedly as my whole body went numb at her words.

“Why… why did you just call yourself Holis?” I asked trying not to freak her out or myself more.

“My girlfriend calls me all sort of things.” She shook her head with a giggle before she reached for my e-pen and took a long drag of my herbal oils.  

Immediately I was filled with the need to cross the distance between us so I did. I was so close I could smell her delectable aroma coated by the copper smell of her blood rising to the surface. She didn’t flinch or move and much less pull away as I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  Her eyes met mine and for a second I felt like I could feel my heart beating again.

“Well, what can I call you?” I asked with a low raspy voice. My body just responded differently to this woman. 

“The crew calls me Chef or Chef Selene… Kolton calls me Hollenstein… What do you have for me?” she asked in a challenge. 

“I’ve got knives for you, Creampuff.” I smiled in a Cheshire cat manner as her smile mirrored my own.

“Are you serious?” she gasped without hiding her enthusiasm as she jumped up and down before throwing her arms around me.

I melted into the embrace as I hugged her earnestly as well, missing the way she fit in my arms. She smelled even better up close and her body was as amazing as I remembered it. She didn’t look a day over 25 and I wondered what was going on that made all of this possible. I would have to call LaF and apologize for laughing at the Time-Warp/Vortex of energy theory later. Joking aside, as confused as I was I couldn’t help but how I acted around her, never could anyway. I had begged the gods for another minute with her and here she was. When she pulled away she looked away bashfully as she fiddled with the elegant blazer over her shoulders.

“Sorry, I get carried away when I get excited.” She explained and I nodded. “Let’s get out of the bathroom so it’s more sanitary.” 

Outside I watched her lead me into her office where she had three computers hooked up to a tower with books, papers, drawings and post-its all around. Embarrassedly she cleaned a bit before stacking her laptops and then she nodded for me to show her the knives. I finally pulled the quiver-like canvas from my back and rolled it open to reveal an exquisite set of carved wood and steel. I had made the knife with the tempered steel of a Mac series I used to love in my days in Ottawa. It was firm yet elegant like I had been told the Chef was. I was aware that Laura had been that way but this woman in front of me wasn’t quite Laura was she? 

“Oh wow, they’re beautiful…” she whispered filling me with warmth at the thought of her approval. 

“That is a custom design based on the Mighty MAC made with chromium, molybdenum, vanadium high carbon steel alloy and the hilt was carved out of a combination of Cedar and Wolf Bone since I heard you use ingredients from the land.” I explained as she inspected my work with excitement. 

“This is unbelievable. You have to let me cook for you. I insist you need to let me inspect my new knife. My satisfaction is, indeed, guaranteed, right?” she asked in a flirtatious tone as I chuckled. 

“Indeed, but the kitchen seems busy.” I admitted as she shook her head looking about the kitchen.

“They’ve got it. Let’s go.” She declared and with that, she rolled up the knives, shouldered them and grabbed my hand before tugging us out through the stairs. 

I felt a rush within me I hadn’t felt for years, it was exhilarating and I wanted more of it in heaps. It had been with Laura that I had ever felt most alive heartbeat or not, and right now was no different. It was the adrenaline of her presence accompanied by the unknown that awaited us ahead. At college it was the never-ending plethora of paranormal beings, now it seemed to be dinner services and knives. I could deal with that in the moment if I didn’t allow my mind to wonder to what was really going on beneath the surface.

 


End file.
